So my husband is an auto body tech and while he is one of the best in the area and he works for a great well known long standing company... he is not happy.
When I ask him what he would like to be if money was no object, he has some ideas, like lawn care, land scaping, and construction. Problem is... he has a really bad back (3 surgeries under his belt already and he just turned 41). So most of the DREAMS he has seen himself doing, are out of the question at this point. He also loves woodworking, but has this idea that there is now money in it... It is almost like he has lost his zest for dreaming...
I do all of the reading around here (I am currently reading NO MORE MONDAYS) and tell him all that I have learned. He seems very uninterested! I have suggested to him that he listen to the 48 days podcast (as this in a show I love to listen to), and he has blown off the idea.
Do I keep pushing for his attitudes sake, or do I just let him wollow in his depression about his work? I know he once LOVED what he does (body work) and I know it is the "JOB" place that is brining him down (he likes to be upbeat and the guys that work there are downers). PLUS, because he is the best in the shop, he seems to get the HARD jobs that make less commission (because they take longer per hour).
THANKS for any insite on this... It is hard to be the spouse who is working towards her dreams while my husband seems so lost in his "J O B"
Would it be possible to do body detailing or tinting windows on his own away from the company. Also does he have enough of a following to start his own garage. Just wondering why the harder jobs don't pay a higher commission on labor?
Just an idea that popped into my head as I started to hit add reply..... what if your husband could maybe do custom riding lawnmowers with some awesome paint details and cool features that you just don't get at Lowe's. He could also do repair on lawn care items and maybe contract out local lawn care contractors to keep their equipment running. Just an idea.
That's a tough situation. Too many people choose the path of least resistance even though that path keeps them perpetually unhappy. Unfortunately you can't force someone to take the steps they need to take to be happy. Until he's motivated to step out of his comfort zone on his own your thoughts and advice aren't going to take root with him.
My advice is to concentrate on working toward your dreams but invite him into the process. Talk about the decisions you're making and evaluations you're going through and share the principles you're learning with him as they apply to what you're doing and not as a commentary on what he is or isn't doing. Maybe sharing with and making him a part of your excitement and progress will motivate him to want some of that for himself.
Denai, this has got be very difficult I'm sure. But I also think you're intentional personal growth is planting seeds with him that can't be quite seen yet. Just continue to water, nuture, and talk about how wonderful life is and what you're experiencing. I have a feeling that the biggest issue is that he's around downers all day. That will do more damage to an individual's zest than most. The more you grow and develop, the more convincing it will be for him, and the less and less he'll want to be around those of toxic thinking, and more around those who are living their dreams; especially you...
Try going to a retreat or a seminar together. Invite him to come to a learning experience with you sometime, and expose him to an amazing world of dreamers, thinkers, learners, and doers...
Thanks everyone for the great ideas! I have ran them past him... unfortunately he is not ready yet... to morn the loss of what he could do and move on to what he CAN do... Hopefully with more and more of my encouragement he will get there... slowly but surely!!!
Chris to answer your question on harder jobs paying less... It is usually because those HOURS are harder to TURN (commission lingo), so the pay per hour goes down... Hope that makes sense...
the faster you turn lets say, a 15 hour job... like in 5 hours... the more money you make because you get paid that 15 hours money in 5 hours time...
I am in the same boat as your husband, as Senior Master Technician I get the harder jobs. All day long everyone complains about the jobs, the business, etc. I myself have had several ideas on what to do to start my own business but have failed to find one that works for me. I am not a business man and failed to do my due diligence when my wife and I purchase all of a skating rinks euipment and tried to open one in our home town. Failed miserably and lost close to $30k. So now I am continuing to look for something I can do with out any start up costs but with out any luck. It does get you down. Let your husband know (as I am sure he does), that it is everywhere out there (us choosing not to better our lives). It is one of those fear things that we sometimes have a hard time letting go. Blessings to You and your Husband.
This may seem like a no-brainer, but pray for him and keep loving him and supporting him. Our wives often have no idea how much impact their support (or lack thereof) has on us men. I shutter to think the dark hole of depression I'd be in if my wife didn't cheerlead for me.
Denai...your husband probably has a lot going on. One of the things I would imagine is "fear". He doesn't want to damage his back anymore. He may not come out and say that, but it could be nagging him.
If he loves "woodworking" but the money is the issue....poke around and see if there is a specialty "woodworking" skill that he can focus on...that does "have money in it".
Allow me to give you an example. A painter is a painter right?......Well not exactly, if the painter knows different techiniques for applying paint to a wall that creates a different pattern, marablization, etc. They can charge more money. I helped one of my friends paint her living room with a paint that looks like "suede". When I visit we still "high-five" over the job we did. She had NEVER painted a wall before! Pretty good job for a rookie and a regular old home owner.
Here are a few ideas that could get him going...
--custom made furniture-- benches, chairs, tables, children's table and chair sets, rocking chairs,
--repairs to wood furniture, doors, floors, toys, (all things wooden) (folks are trying to save money right?)
--furniture refinishing or repurposing (every one is going green right?)
--it's not wood entirely, but custom picture frames...if there is market for that in that area.....I worked for a woman in the 1990s'...that used this business....It's still going strong......http://framingbaltimore.com/
Here is a question one of my mentors' shared with me. She has a degree in "international studies" from a "fancy" university in the nation's capital, but said no one ever asked her "How do you want to spend your day?" Ask your husband that, and continue to support him. Be gentle...he is already in a dither.......
Denai, Definitely a tough situation. I would just like to say that what Scott said is so true. I do not know where I would be if my wife had not encouraged me to do something different. Do not stop loving him and encouraging him.
I think a great thing to do is to be a good example of someone pursuing something she loves. But do it in a way that includes him in the picture. For example my wife loves to sew, she is great at it and she finds ways to do things with her sewing that help me. It speaks volumes to me and she feels great that she is doing something that is helpful. It then has helped me realize that I also can do something that I love and actually makes me want to do it. Anyways hopefully something you can take from this.
Additionally, I'll be praying for you and your husband. I been in that mindset before and it took me a while, but it was from people who kept encouraging me in a loving way not forcefully, that I did eventually believe that I could do something different. I am so glad they did! I went from having no job to this 168 Opportunities. But it all started with my spouse not giving up on me and at times a little tough love ;-)
Don't give up Denai!
Severe back pain is a BIG deal and can be crippling to more than just one's back. He may also be suffering from some clinical depression. Depression isn't what most people think it is.
Anyway, there are a lot of people who have similar histories of pain as your husband who have gotten help from Dr. John Sarno's writings and lectures. I had whole body pain more or less consistent with fibromyalgia and had trouble getting up off the couch and can now jog several miles without pain, play with my kids, and so on. That change happened literally within a few days after many years of trying "everything."
A lot of people are resistant to Dr. Sarno's ideas. Others, like my experience, can read a short article, watch a few videos or listen to a lecture and be healed pretty much permanently and completely, often(not always) even when structural abnormalities are present.
I would suggest that even if you were to latch onto his ideas and your husband refused them, you might still be able to produce an effect in your husband consciously applying some of the principles through conversation and possibly massage. I think there is more than one way to produce the effects he talks about.
On another note, I would note also that not all chiropractors are created equally. I have been to quite a few over the years, and of those, there are two or three that really made a difference. The others were pretty average and didn't accomplish much with me. My wife once went to one that was truly awful.
The same thing goes for professional massage therapists.
It sounds kind of like you all are talking about the "what" he can do (woodworking, landscaping, etc.), but what about the "why"? "Why" would he want to get out and do something on his own? What freedoms would that bring to his life? What new challenges and excitement could he find? If he can see the "whys", the "what" will follow. You say that he's lost his zest for dreaming. If that is the case, no number of options of businesses to start will help him if he doesn't see why he should pursue either self-employment or business ownership.
If he's got the "whys" down, and knows why he would want to go out on his own, then you have to ask the "why not"? So, what's holding him back. Here are the reasons why he would do it, so why is he not? Once you know what is holding him back, then you can aim at those issues.
Sometimes people just get so down on themselves that they don't believe in themselves anymore. Maybe he's lost hope. If he has, maybe you can pursue your dreams and if he sees you accomplish some things he will follow.