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Consider this quote I heard from a friend:

"Elmer, there are people in this world that no matter what you do, they will like you.  There are also people in this world that no matter what you do, they won't like you."

This quote spoke directly to my soul, as if God was trying to point out something about my "S" personality style of trying to appease everyone.  It made me realize that I can't nor have the power to make everyone like me.  I can only do my best, offer my opinion, and control my responses.  That's it.  And, I'm fine with that.

What do you think about when you read my friend's quote?

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Elmer - as a high "D" I of course have a different perspective.  But Joanne is, like you, a high "S" with a high need to please everyone.  Last year she read this book -

When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You: Finding God's Patterns for Hea...

 and it had a profound impact on her.  We had a couple of sessions with the author and Joanne has had a major release from having to please everyone.  She's still the sweet, caring, compassion person but now recognizes that sometimes her "caring" was actually harmful to the person she wanted to help.

I like how your comment Dan, "Sometimes her 'caring' was actually harmful to the person she wanted to help."  It really strikes at the core of what I sometimes do with family and friends.  I am also trying to learn how to release the 'need' of having to please everyone.  I'll definitely take a look at the book you suggested.  Thanks for the resource, Dan!

Thanks Dan, yor your response and recommendation to this book. I read the sample and a a single sentence almost brought me to tears. "...meetin the needs of another person is sometimes irresponsible". It made me realize I have been trying to do that for my son for most of his 29 years, and in doing so I'm afraid I have only weakened him. I won't go into great detail here, but I have downloaded the book to my IPAD and will continue to read the rest. I have always been moderately successful and somewhat lucky in my career, but have struggled trying to figure out why I am here, what is my purpose. At 63 years old and several retirements and disability checks, I am able to pay the bills and don't need a job, but I still feel unfulfilled. I completed 28 years in the military, 16 of those years as a commissioned officer, retired, and held several senior leadership positions in federal and state government befefore finally hanging up my hat a jumping in with both feet to be a trainer,speaker and coach. My problem is not being able to take the tough stance when i need to tell someone what they need to hear versus always wanting to say something to make theem feel good. Because I want to p,ease everybody, I am reluctant to charge my clients. As you can imagine, I am a high "S", and was taught by my mother that I could have anything I want by first pleasing others. That worked to a certain degree, but I went as far as I could go being nice. When it comes to competing in sales, or anything I may want for myself, I usually defer to the needs of others above myself, especially with friends, family, and among other leaders. Again, thanks for all your wisdom and ability to connect and say just the things I need to hear when I need to hear it.

Thomas - thanks for sharing your heart on this.  We all want others to like us - but it's also true that in that desire it's easy to "enable" someone else's self-destructive behavior.  Sometimes even with coaching needs we serve people best by having them pay for our advice.  We see them take positive action when they have skin in the game as opposed to discarding the advice that was free. 

Just now seeing this post, and my answer is yes, definitely! I will spare you the gory details, but I have been guilty of all those things Dan referenced, especially with certain specific people that I'm close to. But I've made some good strides over the past year in breaking some unhealthy habits, and doing so has given me a lot more peace, as well as confidence in myself.

I'm fascinated by human behavior (my own, as well as others), so I read a lot of self-help books. I've read in more than one place that we humans all have a basic need for acceptance, and I believe that to be true. Some of us with a greater need than others, I suspect, which can get us into trouble. I think that sometimes, although it's not pleasant, a little rejection is not a bad thing -- when we strive for acceptance by people, or in areas, that in the end are not good for us.   

Hi Diane,

I like to read a lot of self help books as well.  Being an S, I do understand the need to feel accepted, however, I do understand the danger when that becomes too much of a priority.  I've learned that saying no and creating boundaries is a good thing.  Even with-holding some information I know that will help a person is wiser than sharing advice in which a person is not ready to understand.

Great job on breaking un-healthy habits, Diane.  I wish you make many more strides for the rest of the year.

Elmer

yep... major pleaser here as well.   I finally realized in my 40's that no way was I gonna please everyone.  I thought I knew that before but learned it on a deeper level.   Lots easier to function when you do the best you can for you and God and let the chips fall where they may! 

On a side note I"m currently interviewing with TLC for a tightwad show they're casting....reminder... just be myself and not be something I'm not. I do not have to please them... but if the show/shoe fits I'll wear it :)

Vickie
Ahouseforchristmas.com
(will the carpet ever arrive?!)

Good luck on your interview, Vickie.  I'll be crossing my fingers for you.

:-)

I read an excellent book recently which you may have already read - The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It was written with those of us high in "S" for sure:

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word

2. Don't Take Anything Personally

3. Don't Make Assumptions

4. Always Do Your Best

 How about a fifth one from Elmer Querubin

5. Maintain a learning attitude; not a critical one.  

Thanks for the 4 agreements, Peter.  Excellent, Advice!

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